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Scottish Drinking JokesA Scottish Pastor is driving down to the liquor store to purchase some communion wine, and some other "personal provisions." He gets stopped for speeding by a state trooper. The state trooper smells alcohol on the pastor's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the pastor.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The pastor looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Jock calls his pastor the "Exorcist" cuz every time he comes to visit he makes the spirits disappear!
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Scotch whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims, ''may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: ''no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."
Scottish Christmas Cake:
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 oz lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup walnuts
1 bottle Johnnie Walker whisky
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whisky again for quality.
To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Greash the oven and put in the fridge.
Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Check the whisky again and go to bed.
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
A Scotsman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A Scotsman runs into a pub and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best whiskey, and make it quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the Scotsman drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The Scotsman replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
"What's that?" asks the bartender.
"Only fifty cents!"
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical and thrifty Scot, he wasn't about to call for a cab. So he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"
"Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
George Dubya Bush is Drinking Again!
Diagnosing the Dry Drunk (this might apply to someone you know besides just Dubya).